Jolene
by Dragons4ever
Summary: Sometimes, songs fit us better than we'd like. Maka is no exception.


Sometime between their fight against Blair and their first battle with Crona, Maka realizes that she feels something for her albino partner. Something not partner-y or friendly. Something more. She tries to brush it aside but that doesn't work so well.

Around this time, she also starts listening to Dolly Parton more. Particularly her song 'Jolene'. Maka tries to hide her love of this song knowing that Soul will only tease her for it. But she can't help it! She just identifies with the song a lot. She feels a lot like Dolly nowadays.

She has to admit, watching Soul spew blood out of his nose every time Blair attacks him, especially now that she feels this way about him, rubs a little wound on her heart raw. She figures it's only a matter of time until Soul leaves and tries to brace herself for it, spending more time than she knows she should crying over it.

She hates herself for it, falling for her partner like this was something she swore she would never do. Having feelings like this makes girls weak and she had forced her heart to become stone to combat it.

What a hypocrite she is.

She takes her rage out on Soul, smashing a book into his head every time his nose erupts like some bloody Vesuvius, chops him whenever he reminds her of her faults, her short-comings, her obvious turn offs. It just serves to remind her of the fact that he will leave one day, leaving her broken hearted.

She starts to think of Blair as Jolene and hates the jealousy the bubbles up in her throat as well.

* * *

After Crona, after he gets her scar, she starts listening to the song less. In some sick way, the way Soul threw himself in front of her makes her feel better. And she hates herself for it.

The scar seems to serve as a bittersweet reminder of how loyal he is. It shows how devoted he is, shows that he isn't going to leave. That's the sweet part, the part that makes her feel better when her insecurities come knocking at her mental door. Yeah, he won't leave, not until _she gets him killed_. That's the bitter part, that part that wins out most of the time.

Seeing the scare makes her sick. The first time she saw him walk from the bathroom to his bedroom after a shower in nothing but a towel, shortly after getting the stitching removed was the worst. She ran to the bathroom and slammed the door after her, making sure it was locked before retching as quietly as she could. The guilt was paralyzing. Seeing that line bisect his chest, a permanent reminder of her mistake, she had retched some more just thinking about it.

At least, the sweet part helps stop her crying. That and she lets most of her feelings out during training. She constantly says it is to try and become stronger to protect him, and as much as that is a priority for her, it is also sometimes a lie.

It's either that or cry into her pillow and that is something she isn't willing to do anymore.

She stops hitting Soul because of his daily nasal leaks as well. The rage will build up but it will die almost immediately when she sees him cower under the raised book. He is more afraid of her than he is of death, she thinks. It's a terrifying thought. She still hits him sometimes, just for appearances. She doesn't want him prying and worrying. He'll find out her secret if he did, he's annoyingly perceptive like that.

She also starts to realize, Blair isn't doing this on purpose. She's a _cat_. Cats are some of the neediest creatures in the world, by attacking Soul she's just trying to get attention. It sill pisses Maka off, sure, but she knows it isn't malicious. Blair stops being Jolene. Maka wonders if maybe Blair ever was Jolene.

* * *

Maka doesn't pay much attention to the track on her iPod till a couple of years later, after she makes Soul into a Deathscythe. The flood of letters in his locker proves just how desirable her partner is. She sometimes hears it in the changing room, hushed whispers about how good looking he is, how much of a great guy he is. Maka often sneers to herself when she hears this, already knowing all of it.

She starts digging herself into a hole at night, full of self-loathing and insecurities. Any one of those girls could turn into Jolene, not all the letters are partnership letters. She knows Soul wouldn't break up their partnership, but it would hurt just as much watching him with another woman as it would if he actually left her.

The constant taunting doesn't help. 'Tiny-tits' is still thrown around too much for her self-esteem and with the attacks on her preferences in books and music, her confidence starts to get chipped away bit by bit.

She tried not to let it show, prays nobody can see how undone she's coming under the weight of her own fears. It's not until that chapter in the Book of Eibon that everything starts falling apart.

* * *

It's like the Book knows. It _does_ know. It knows everything. She thinks she understands it, can see how it's using her fears against her and she wants to fight back, prove that she isn't so weak. But she can't. It's too much.

It's like being repeatedly slapped in the face, her weaknesses being thrown at her over and over and goddamnit, she's stronger than this! She _should_ be stronger than this. But she isn't.

The next chapter, Sloth, where she gives up everything. The weight's become too much and she falls like a house of cards. She's scared and she feels alone. Soul's right there, in front of her, at her side, constantly protecting her. It's like the book is whispering in her ear, telling her that Soul _can_ do it without her, look at him fight Giriko. Look at him succeed without her, she knew this would happen, watch as it unfolds. The sound of Soul's calls to her seems distant.

She's afraid. So afraid. Dolly Parton plays in her head and something snaps.

No.

_No._

She _is_ stronger than this.

* * *

They somehow make it out alive. Her pride is in tatters, her esteem is even worse.

_She gave up._

Soul carries her back to the apartment and they tend to each other's wounds. They're both a mess. At least they're alive. _And together_ something whispers in the back of her head and Maka tries to smother it. False hope gets you nowhere.

During the night she has nightmares. The apartment it empty, he's gone. She hears laughter out the window and sees a head of white bob down the street. She bolts out of the door, down the stairs and onto the street just in time to see the head of white turn a corner. Something in her tells her it's been a long time since she's since that head of white, too long, so long it hurts.

She chases the head of white but it's always out of reach. No matter how fast she runs to him, he's always out of reach. She screams herself hoarse trying to call for him. Finally, she turns a corner to a street to find it devoid of any heads of white. Her heart clenches, _she's lost him again_ but then she hears his laugh, deep and rumbling to her left and turns her head so fast she'll get whiplash.

He's sitting a table with someone. Well, something. The shape is feminine but not recognizable as any girl she knows. Maka walks up to the table, calling his name in a croak. He finally looks up at her and her heart skips a beat, several beats, in the face of his brilliant red gaze.

She waits for his reply, the smile he sends her, acknowledging her as someone important.

"Do I know you?" is all he says, face twisted in a confused frown.

She's dying. She has to be. This is how it feels to die, right? The sharp pain in her chest, she can't get any air into her lungs. Soul, _her_ Soul turns back to his female companion, flashing her his grin and Maka falls to her knees. Her vision's tunneling on him, only him, always him. Heartbreak is worse than she thought.

She jerks awake and sit straight up. It takes a moment before it hits that she's home in her bed and when it does, that's when the sobbing starts. She stuffs a fist in her mouth, ignoring the pain as she bites down, muffling her anguish. She ignores her flaming back, she must have moved in her sleep and irritated her wounds.

Terror grips her, was it really a dream? She seeks out his wavelength and is comforted by the quiet hum of his slumbering soul. It was only a dream, only a dream, only a dream. She chants it to herself till her heart calms down some. Her terror's not quite gone though, she has to see him.

She gets out of bed and leaves her room, thankful that Blair decided to stay at the academy and help with clear-up. She pads into Soul's room, he always leaves the door open a little nowadays, it helps get a breeze through his room. She watches from the doorway, relieved to see his sleeping figure, hear his light snores. His soul flares a little at her presence and she can't help moving closer.

She sits on the bed and watches his chest rise and fall with his breathing. Maka stares at his chest, wants to feel his heart beating. Her hand reaches out without her permission and tentatively lies down over his heart, feeling it beat steadily under her palm. Her body fills with calm.

He is alive. He is _here_.

Her soul reaches for his, craving that intimacy of resonance, wanting to fill the void that has been there since they broke the connection earlier, too tired to keep it up. She's not tired anymore, she tells herself. She needs the connection, the reassurance, more than sleep.

His ruby eyes flutter open when their souls melt together. He's still half asleep, syllables and words slurring together.

"Was 'appen'?" he asks, looking at her tear streaked face in the moonlight. He never did close his curtains.

"Nothing. Just a bad dream," Maka whispers hoarsely. "Go back to sleep."

Instead, he moves his hand to cover hers on his chest.

"Maka?" he presses, still sleepy but a little more awake. Feeling her soul thrum against his rouses his mind, wondering why she sought him out.

She looks away, bangs hiding her eyes and shakes her head. She doesn't want to talk about it. She never wants to reveal her greatest weakness, her darkest secret. She's already emotionally exhausted, she doesn't need to spill any more beans.

Soul sighs and tugs her down next to him. He's exhausted too, but still strong, and Maka can't find it in her to fight him. She needs the comfort anyway.

He strokes her hair gently, clasps their hands together tightly, fingers laced together. She'd be lying it she said it didn't give her the greatest comfort and the worst heartache.

Despite her desire to keep quiet and just revel in the companionship, she finds the words tumbling out her mouth.

"You'll leave one day," she says quietly, head pillowed on his chest so that her back is free. He has the bigger bed.

"No, I won't," is his reply. There is certainty in his voice but she knows it's a lie.

"Yes, you will," she presses. "You'll meet some girl and want to be with her all the time and not your silly meister."

He chuckles softly, the sound reverberating in his chest under her ear. "Nobody is cool enough to make me leave you."

Maka is silent for a moment. She presses her face closer to Soul's chest, as though she's trying to become part of him. His breathing steadies. He's gone to sleep.

"You will," she murmurs. "You'll find someone to love and then you will. It's inevitable." She adds in a whisper, glad he can't hear her quiet admission of weakness: "And I'll let you go, because I love you too much, I want you to be happy." Even though he can't hear it, she's glad to get it off her chest.

Maka squeaks when Soul's arm tightens around her. He wasn't asleep?

"But I won't go, because I love you too." Her face is burning as he presses a soft kiss to her forehead. "Now, go back to sleep. We'll talk in the morning."

She settles down, an odd lightness taking root in her chest. _Is this what love feels like?_ she thinks. Love that is reciprocated and shared? Her secret has been revealed and her weakness has been shown.

It's not as bad as she thought it would be.

* * *

They talk in the morning and everything is cleared up. He loves her. _He loves her_. In that same soul-aching, heart-clenching way that she loves him. For once, she believes his insistence. Though that might have something to do with the fact that he kisses every inch of skin he can get his lips to, murmuring his love between each press of his lips.

* * *

Maka doesn't listen to Dolly Parton anymore. She tells Soul about the song, why she listened to it after he makes hot cocoa one evening. He laughs at her, like she knew he would but he kisses her soundly after just to make sure she understand _he's staying forever __**and you better get that into your giant brain bookworm**_.

He plays some of his records, tells her it's about time he educated her about music. They dance to a slow tune as he whispers in her ear that this was his most listened to track on his iPod a couple of months ago. He doesn't say that it's supposed to represent heartache and longing but Maka knows enough to hear the silent message in his soul.

She's OK now. She knows he isn't going to leave and though being in love, being in a relationship, is scary, she's got Soul to help her. And as he keeps telling her, she's got him for forever.

Forever is a nice word, she thinks as he pulls her against his side. Strong, sturdy, loyal. Just like him. Yeah, forever sounds good.

There is no Jolene.

* * *

**A/N I've always really liked the idea of Maka being self-conscious and having low sefl-esteem. Probably because that makes her more relatable to me. Oh well. Hope you liked the angst and sort of fluff.**

**UPDATE: Edited it a bit. Some of the wording was weird, I apologize for all who read the error ridden first version. And thank you for all the nice comments! They really make my day!**


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